Originally written on Medium: July 22, 2016

Have you ever had a teacher give you an assignment or test and say “It’s not that hard, I was able to finish it in ten minutes”? To which you reply, “Okay, but you’re 30 years older than us and have a degree in the subject.” This is what I like to call an external point of reference. It is when a teacher or parent places a student’s point of reference outside of themselves. A seed of negativity is placed and it can spiral out of control.

UX Person looking busy

I had a student a couple years ago who dropped out because of this misplaced reference point. In the beginning, piano was fun — it was something they genuinely enjoyed learning. It wasn’t homework, or something to take to the extreme. The child was making reasonable progress putting in about ten to fifteen minutes a day. Their goal was to use piano as something to relax with — a goal I completely supported.

A year later, I noticed that the student’s mother began to talk a lot about the student’s friend, someone who had been putting in at least an hour of piano every day for years more than the student has. The rate of growth for the friend seemed insurmountable to the student. I kept hearing the mother saying things like, “You’re not getting better like he is.” This external point of reference turned piano into a sore point for the student.

The mother was comparing her son to the son’s friend. It was a huge mistake on my part because I did not speak out about it. I took it as a lesson and since then, I take it very seriously when I hear that kind of conversation between parents and students. External comparisons kill the fun in music. That child eventually got frustrated with piano, saying “Piano is not for me. I’m not good at music.” I couldn’t change his feelings about the matter. He stopped playing piano soon after.

Parents are allowed to reference how well other kids are playing. But the second they ask why their child is not progressing in the same way is where I step in and defend the student. The parent is my client, but my job is to make sure the student is learning at their correct pace.

It simply does not make sense to compare your child with another child from a different background and different skillset. That is not motivation, rather, that is an unrealistic expectation. It is planting a seed of negativity. The reference point should be internal — where the child asks how they have been doing compared to how they have done in the past. Self-improvement is always more realistic and rewarding compared to an external goal.

JT